All aboard the hormone train!

Lately I am suffering from a wicked case of “wah-my-life-didn’t-turn-out-like-I-thought-it-would-itis,” which I think we can all agree is a rather useless and obnoxious condition.

I recently had my IUD removed, and the Essure procedure done, which was my choice and all, but 1) hormone rebound and 2) you know, PERMANENT STERILITY.  Both of which always set the stage for a nice mope.

I don’t even WANT another kid (anymore)(because my life didn’t turn out like I thought it would).

Also, I’m a leeetle irritated that Tosc didn’t motivate to get a vasectomy.  Ultimately, the Essure was probably a better choice for us, as it was 100% covered by insurance (thx Obamacare) and pretty simple/easy (I only missed one day of work).  Also, I am WAAAY tougher than Tosc when it comes to sharp objects near my (now defunct) reproductive organs.  Still, I will LAUGH MY ASS OFF if I drop dead or we get divorced and he has to get one anyway. 

In other miscellaneous mopes, I miss my friend Woz, who appears to be permanently relocating to London JUST TO SPITE ME.  Ok, that’s not why.  It’s DUDE-RELATED, though, which is practically the same.  Oh fine, I’m happy about the soulmate thing, in a Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids sort of way, but prudes before dudes, WOZ!  Wait.  That’s…not us.

I am thinking of reevaluating my level of prudishness, however, because I’ve also been cursed with, uh, dreams of an inappropriate nature lately, I assume thanks to the hormone sitch.  GREEEEAT.  I have a particular lack of appreciation for the ex-boyfriend dream, since I cannot shake those for DAYS!  It’s like when you dream that your husband did something stupid and then the pissyness just…lingers.  “Oh, you didn’t REALLY do it?  WELL YOU WOULD HAVE.  That is totally something you WOULD do, it is merely a function of the random nature of life that I dreamt it first!” 

Unfortunately, the PATHETIC also lingers when you’re having phantom dream sex with people who were quite clear at one point about the fact that they no longer wished to have sex with YOU.*  So.  I’m a dream rapist now too, in addition to being BARREN.  Nice.

*cue Woz in the comments: "Dude, I'm sure they would still totally have sex with you.  They just don't LIKE you, like AS A PERSON."  And that's why I love her.

Press and hold to hard reset

Our pets' heads are literally falling off.  Is how it's going.

 He was a good buddy.  We will miss him.  The last couple of weeks, not so much.

What would you do?

So, things are wicked bad with Carlos.   Summer is basically a complete disaster.  You know, usually I am very happy with our custody and financial arrangement, which, if I may get technical for a moment, can best be described as "halvsies."  We split time with her 50/50, and we split her expenses 50/50 as well.  It's worked out great so far, with daycare and full-time school.  HOWEVER.  The problem with halvsies during the summer is that we actually have to AGREE on the things she is going to do (or not do).  Never one of our strong points.

We're now at a point where she is signed up for camp for the whole summer, but only going on "my" days (he's a teacher so is home part of the summer).  Also, I am paying for all of these things, because *I* am the one who has to work.  Fine.  I mean, total, ridiculous clusterfuck, but FINE.  It's not about the money to me.

We're also having trouble with scheduling again.  My view on scheduling is that our situation has the potential to be a win/win for all parties, as long as there is some flexibility.  I'm happy to watch Ava (and even FJ) anytime during "his" days, and I'm also happy to let Ava do things with them on "my" days, especially if it involves seeing family, going on vacation, etc.

The problem, though, comes when I am flexible and he is NOT.  Take this weekend, for example.  It is Fathers Day weekend, but "my" normal weekend with Ava.  Since we have been divorced, we have always done just the "day of" for Mothers Day/Fathers Day, even though technically our custody agreement states we can each have her for the entire weekend.  At any rate, I didn't have any reason to believe he would take her for the whole weekend.  That's not what *I* did for Mothers Day.

I made plans to take Ava to a resort hotel for the weekend (bringing her back on Fathers Day morning).  Carlos knew about it weeks ago.  I told Ava about it.  Aaaaaand, yesterday he got mad during an argument and told me that he was taking her for the weekend.  And he told HER that it was my fault she wasn't going to the resort with me, because "I shouldn't have scheduled it during HIS time."

So.  Let's just leave the emotion out of it for the moment, as I am wont to do.  What we have here is a Prisoner's Dilemma: Child Custody Edition.  If we both cooperate, we both get equal time with Ava.  However, if ONE of us cooperates, and the other does not, then the cooperator loses time with her (and the non-cooperator GAINS it).

The problem, then, is the decision to cooperate (where cooperate means being flexible about the schedule) or not (no flexibility, stick to the legal document with absolutely no deviation).

Cooperating feels better to me.  It feels like the right thing to do, it's in line with my values, it shows Ava by example the kind of person I want to be and expect her to be.  NOT cooperating feels worse, undermines my values, makes me a person I DON'T want to be, but maximizes my time with Ava in an environment where I cannot expect HIM to cooperate.

Which is more important?  What would you do?

This is Peggy

I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that my office is directly adjacent to the IT suite. On the one hand, we share a wall, and those fuckers conduct 99% of their calls, 100% of which are obnoxious, over speakerphone. They have loud discussions about IT-related topics (how busy they are, how dumb everyone else is) right outside my door.

On the other hand, sitting outside their (locked, with keypad entry) door is like spending the entire day watching a Punk'd marathon. Despite our completely civilized "trouble ticket" system, which includes a hotline for emergencies, people POUND THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR DOOR on a daily basis, foreheads beaded with sweat and one fail whale away from a circulatory event.

Those guys CLAIM not to have a camera anywhere in the hallway, but: SHENANIGANS. I am sorry. It's either that, or they've developed a sophisticated biometric knock-identification system. Listen, I'm chained to my desk like livestock ALL DAY LONG. I KNOW when there's someone in the Skull and Bones Society Clubhouse and when there's not, and occupancy has no correlation to whether or not they open the door. If you're on the blacklist, they'll spend the goddamned night in there if they have to to avoid you, GOOD LUCK AND GODSPEED.

Of course I'm interested in this whole show for data gathering purposes, but if my door is even CRACKED, I get assaulted with your typical Denial-Stage Questions: "Is there anybody in there?" "Do you have [IT director]'s cell phone number?" and my personal favorite, "Do you know the code to the door?". HA! Yes, my hysterical friend, yes I do. And I tell it to every single procedure-skirting dumbass who toddles on up here. Go on in. Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya. Jesus.

I guess I should go pound on the door right quick and see where I stand, eh? I've never bothered to DO that, because although I sit mere INCHES away, I use the ticket system like a rational person. I've never even used the emergency hotline, because if everything electronic in my WORK UNIVERSE simultaneously went belly up, I would just cease producing accounting-y things for an undetermined period of time, and I don't consider that an emergency.

Grievances

Holy hell, am I ever foul today. I'm getting over a fucking COLD, FTLOG. I haven't been sick in YEARS. I never get sick! This is some bullshit! Yeah, I've been stressed out for like 9 months and chronic stress is the one thing guaranteed to royally fuck my immune system, WHAT OF IT?

I can't motivate to go on a proper healthkick and Tosc and I are going on a cruise in April and I would really like to pull my shit together and address this Middle Class Sob Story.

I need to make a GYN appointment to see if IUD-related hormones are the reason I want to RIP EVERYONE'S FUCKING HEAD OFF all the time but I'm busy as hell at work and also if it IS the IUD, then what I am going to DO about it? Huh? Get it removed? THEN WHAT?

Tosc works on Friday AND Saturday and we (I) have the girls. I can't seem to find a way to discuss this topic without looking like a selfish asshole. I AM a selfish asshole, because the only thing I'm able to think about lately is how Tosc's schedule affects ME ME ME.

Two of my good friends are divorcing each other. I feel a sense of dread that we are now entering The Divorce Years. Also, marriage is IMPOSSIBLE and it CANNOT BE DONE.

I got a catty email from a female colleague and my career's going nowhere and I'm wasting my life/talents (SUCH AS THEY ARE) being a CPA. Writing on my blog used to be easy and fun and now...THIS SHIT.

Other than that, though, aces. You?

First TUESDAY, is what I meant to say

First Monday just WOULD NOT DO this year, what with it being a vacation day/bank holiday. Plus, I was home alone with Ava up my ass all day long and so posting was totally laughable. I could barely check email. Do your (school-aged) kids...CLING like that all goddamn day long? What am I doing WRONG here?

Anyway.

I, for one, am ready for a healthkick. The holidays seemed really...LONG this year. I feel, as Tosc likes to say, "polluted."

So! WTF am I prepared to do about it, you ask?

1) In 2012 I am not going to eat chips. Tortilla, potato, or otherwise. Yeah, I said it. Doing this one thing has the potential to cut out about HALF of the junk food I eat. Don't start with your "unreasonable" hand-wringing, either (TOSC). It IS reasonable. I have a track record of success with removing both pop and gluten completely from my diet, and both of those changes have been completely worth it. It's gonna be hard, though. Make no mistake.

2) Do more sprinting. I sucked at this in 2011 (I focused mostly on strength training and didn't do much else).

3) In 2011 I resolved to First Do No Harm, and that has been so key. I want to continue to avoid injury at all costs.

Just overall, my physical health is increasingly important to me as I get older. Tosc and I know several people our age (mid-30s FTLOG) who have a laundry list of medical problems and just a crappy quality of life. I am DESPERATE to avoid that. Don't even get me STARTED on being REALLY old.

So, that's the physical health stuff. Pretty lame this year. If you know of any delicious new products in the chip family, keep yer mouth shut, will ya?

Non-physical resolutions tomorrow!

So, 2011

First, the executive summary: 2011 was a hard, stressful year for me. I'd say it was the hardest year I've had since I got divorced.

I had a lot of work stress, as I lost a trusted employee and hired/trained a new one, all while doing the work of two people on my own.

I had a ton of family stress, mostly related to Tosc's new schedule. I was WOEFULLY unprepared for how that would affect me. I went from seeing Tosc every morning, every evening, and every weekend, to seeing him once every THREE days. Even that I could probably have handled, if not for the INSANITY of his schedule with the kids. Basically, every weekend we had the girls I had at least one day where I was on my own with all 3 kids.

I am going to be completely honest and admit that I have some built-up resentment over this, both towards Tosc and his ex-wife (who is not willing to give up her free time even when she knows that Tosc cannot be with the kids). I also feel the situation affected my time with Ava, which is NOT acceptable to me.

Well, anyway. Things will improve once Tosc finishes his paramedic training, but it's been a major contributor to a pretty shitty year for me (in Tosc's defense, he has committed to take off the daytime hours [6am-6pm, half of his shift] on Saturdays and Sundays we have the girls in 2012).

So, definitely sadder. I miss Tosc and my relationship with him has suffered this year. I don't know that it was my best parenting year, either. I was stressed and frustrated and downright pissed off a lot of the time. Nice.

Furthermore, I am fatter! Which should be a total no-shitter, as everyone knows that I deal with stress by eating and drinking. So incredibly effective, I think we can all agree. I will say that, athletic-performance-wise, I am at least as fit, and definitely stronger, than I was last year. I continue to love working out with my trainer. It's really just my diet that's been crap. Story of my life.

However, I am richer! Yay! I got a raise this year, and Tosc finally sold his house. So things aren't COMPLETELY in the shitter, Debbie Downer.

What else?

Kindergarten has gone unexpectedly well. Ava LOVES her teacher (a fellow Fake Hispanic!), which I guess is all that really matters at her age (in classic fashion, I "endeared" myself early on by declaring her parent-teacher conference schedule "a beating." Sigh). School scheduling continues to be an epic pain in the ass, but that seems to be pretty standard, so at least I've got the misery-loves-company thing going for me.

Carlos and I did not have a completely miserable year. Pretty sad that he gets his own paragraph here, but my dealings with him, unfortunately, affect my life in a significant way ("your addiction [to being an asshole] has affected me negatively in the following ways"...). He even asked me to watch Fussypants Junior a few weeks ago (which I am happy to do anytime). So! Progress! Well, except for the part where he called Christmas Eve drunk as a skunk, wanted to talk to Ava, and when I refused called me a bitch and a whore, but you know. Bright Spots.

Well, there you have it! FTLOG, send me a link to your year-end post, or at a minimum leave me your happier/thinner/richer answers.

See you on First Monday!! Aww yeah, baby. Eye of the Tiger. GET PUMPED.